Real Stories
There are many people out there with BPD each with their own story. Sharing these experiences helps others come forward. Below are some personal real stories of others and their journey.
Some names have been changed
Anna
Hi I’m, Anna I’m 30 years old and live in London - I was diagnosed with BPD in 2019. When I first heard about BPD, I went online and printed out a load of information on it and highlighted almost the whole of each page. It suddenly made so much sense. All the things I hadn’t wanted to talk about, all the feelings that didn’t make sense to me, things I couldn’t put my finger on – they were all there on a few pages. Although the information said just 1.6% of us share this experience, it still made me feel so much less alone than I had.
Before I felt ashamed and abnormal when I would feel certain things: such as feeling suicidal over seemingly trivial events or interactions. Some days, I didn’t feel real: believing that the emptiness of being so unwell had consumed all of me so much so that there wasn’t even really a true ‘me’ anymore. I desperately wished I could undo all of it; but every day was a drop deeper than the last, and it happened so suddenly.
“I felt ashamed and abnormal”
I never spoke about the details of what I felt, and never thought I would. I worried about how it would look and how far people would drift from me, because if it didn’t even make sense to me, how could it make sense to anybody else?
But overtime I have started to talk about how I feel, and there are certain things I want people to know about BPD.
Often, the tiniest thing can feel like an enormous weight crashing down on you in a split second. These ‘tiny’ things, the things that other people might not notice, can feel devastating. But the overriding thing to remember is that it is no one’s fault that some things hurt more than they might for other people. It’s just important to communicate openly to interrupt the thoughts that might have begun spiralling for us. Fear drives all of us, but us with BPD this is exaggerated and often in response to no threat at all.
Things aren’t stable, or unstable, all the time. Feelings can be fleeting or last a long while; they can be distressing, or feelings of euphoria – about an event, a situation, a person. We might feel one thing so deeply, then with the slightest change or a split second, it can switch to the opposite, or disappear altogether. I have had very long periods of my life where I often forgot what it was like to feel the worst parts of my BPD. It’s helpful for others to understand that it is not a contained period of ‘illness’, but one that is ever-changing throughout life – and it won’t always be at its worst.
“you are capable of loving and being loved in return”
People with BPD don’t want to be isolated in relationships with others, even if sometimes we do that ourselves. The first question that appears when you google ‘BPD relationships’ is ‘Can a person with BPD really love?’ We can. So much. Some relationships can be harder for us, but they aren’t impossible. If you have BPD, you are capable of loving and being loved in return – and it won’t always be tumultuous.
“There are people who understand and want to be there with you through it, no matter how ugly it can get”
The final thing I want people to know is how important it is to be honest. I spent a really long time not talking about the things that hurt because I was afraid. If you have BPD, you aren’t alone in your thoughts or fears. There are people who understand and want to be there with you through it, no matter how ugly it can get. And for people who know someone with BPD, please be patient. Get support for yourself if you are finding it tricky and know that we never want to hurt the people around us or push them away. There is support out there, even if you feel so alone.
I have gotten so much better over time, just understanding BPD itself and my triggers made a world of difference but I found DBT very effective. It takes time, and patience, but the more you talk about the distressing feelings, the easier it becomes to process them and rebuild my life.
The most important part of my recovery has been surrounding myself with the right people, this was very hard for me as some of those in my life had contributed to my condition, mainly my early life carers. I had some friends but some weren’t always receptive to it. Before my diagnosis I had just broken up with my boyfriend, this was actually the catalyst for me finding help. He was a really lovely man, he was so supportive of me during our relationship and we loved each other but I began to question his commitment and I “split” on him. He became an enemy in my mind, as the emotional “threat” he carried was so high. I shut him out, blocked him and broke contact. When he tried to reach me I lashed out, his efforts to talk I labelled as suffocating, weird, confirming him as bad. I just saw the threat. I said and did horrible things to him and his family. During treatment I was encouraged to reach out – I was terrified again, so full of shame and guilt. I thought he’d never speak to me again, but he messaged me back. We went for a walk and he listened so calmly and patiently to me, I always loved his openness, kindness and willingness to learn. He has been by my side ever since. A trusting and secure relationship, through a friend family or partner, is so important to recovery and he provides this in abundance.
Natalie
Hi I’m, Nat I’m 37 years old and I live in London but I’m originally from Sydney
I suffer from the quiet form of BPD which meant I took a lot longer to be diagnosed. When I first read up on BPD, it made me feel validated and understood. I mentioned BPD to my counsellor when I started CBT but they said it was unlikely that I had it, so I pushed the idea aside and told myself I was overreacting and that I should just get on with life, even though I was still struggling. I suffer from the quiet form of BPD which meant I took a lot longer to be diagnosed.
I got so low, I stopped caring about my future, I felt like I was spinning out of control. It was then that I began to experience dissociative symptoms, where I felt disconnected from the world around me and completely unaware of my surroundings. There were days I’d forget to get dressed. I felt hopeless, like nothing mattered as the world wasn’t real, I wasn’t real.
I felt like such a burden, I was broken my emotions worth nothing, who cares anyway I deserved to be alone. I pulled back from everyone, why did it matter? I didn’t need them and the would want me anyway. I began to split on people. It’s hard to describe how it feels when you’re doing it as it’s not intentional. It’s a kind of black and white thinking where you view people, situations or events as being either all good or all bad. I began to see my friends as awful people, if they tried to help or point out some of my problems I’d see it as criticism that wasn’t justified and I’d hit back. I couldn’t see them trying to help. It’s so hard as I was paranoid too so everything and everyone was suspicious. It’s hard to know what’s true and what’s not when you barely believe your own existence. Splitting caused me to ruin so many of the friendships and relationships I had - even the ones I had had for more than a decade.
I had such a distorted image of myself, which made me feel constantly worthless and like my life was meaningless that I was a bad person. I felt really hopeless and scared. When I eventually got diagnosed with BPD, it felt like a relief – like my feelings were valid.
I hid my feelings from other as I was terrified of what they might think I desperately kept busy to avoid the feelings myself. I always put on a ‘happy’ face to cover the destruction going on inside, I couldn’t bear anyone to see ‘me’. I felt like a vulnerable child in an adult world, and it was so scary. I would flinch at the sound of my own name. I felt unsafe and unprotected, it frustrated me because I was old enough to take care of myself, what was wrong with me? I felt stupid and disgusting. People thought I was fine as I have a great career and busy life. My perfectionist tendencies have carried me through, although not unscathed. In reality I was just burying myself to avoid my feelings and emotions it was so exhausting feeling like that.
“I felt hopeless, like nothing mattered, as the world wasn’t real, I wasn’t real”
“I have so much love in me but I feel no one can love me as much as I can love them”
I was both terrified of being alone but also people, I felt like I would always get hurt. I struggled to trust people both scared of them but really I was scared of them discovering me. I would analyse everything I did trying always to be better to be perfect. I would analyse them their reactions and mood desperate to stop them abandoning me but as soon as I thought they might or detect any hint that they might leave. I’d run. pull up the shutters, cut them from my life. It was so painful, especially as the main result is taking it out on others and I care so much. I have had relationships, but none successful. Sometimes I’d choose people that I didn’t care about as I know they can’t hurt me. I have also been in abusive relationships, they treated me badly, but it was how I felt I should be treated it was what I felt I deserved. I met one guy who I did love, they gave me hope but I fell into the pattern. I broke up him before they could leave me, I believed it was inevitable that when he got close to me, he’d see me and my dark side. I can’t even remember what mistake he made, but I chased him away. He tried to talk to me but I split on him. He was the cause of all my problems, I was paranoid he was trying to deceive me. I shut him out of my life. From love to hate in an instant. I can see now, but then I felt so real. It was my mind coping as best it could. It’s hard to think how much he suffered.
I desperately want a family of my own and a partner in life. Life though is speeding by me and I hope I can find someone good again. I have so much love in me but I feel no one can love me as much as I can love them.
Growing up I was never really loved properly. I always had to earn the love of my parents as with most Asian families I never knew what my parents really wanted and whatever I did never felt good enough. I was so desperate to please. I think BPD is generational trauma, I think my mum has it, and the way she was as a parent most likely contributed to my condition. People only love to the extent that they were taught. I’m trying to learn to love better and break the cycle.
I chose not to tell my family, other than my sister. I’ve never had a close relationship with my parents and communicating emotions and feelings has never been a thing in my family. There is a lot of stigma on mental health and despite seeing others in my family suffer with other things it’s never spoken about. It’s brushed under the carpet, it’s cultural. I pretend everything is alright, but it makes me sad saying I have such a bright life when actually every day feels like such a massive struggle.
I have friends who are supportive but I feel like no one would really be my friend if they knew who I really was. It can make me feel so alone. I’m making progress but its stalled with guilt and shame over my past behaviours. All I wish for is for people to understand and respect my experience. But I have come a long way and I won’t give up. The more people that understood BPD the better it would be.
“I am hopeful for my future, I just wish I had found out sooner”
The condition can cause a lot of pain, confusion and exhaustion. Sometimes it feels like every hour of every day is a mix of irritation, anxiety and paranoia. But with support, you can learn to manage your symptoms. I’d encourage any who thinks it might be them to seek support, diagnosis helped me understand and awareness is ninth tenths of the law in this condition for everyone involved. I am hopeful for my future, I just wish I had found out sooner.
Zoe
Hi I’m Zoe and I’m 24 and living in Bournemouth
I didn’t have the light bulb momentum when I was diagnosed. I had a hard time accepting I had BPD as I thought everyone else was crazy. I was in a particularly acute state of paranoia, everyone and everything was out to get me and this was just another example. I started to see it clearly when my emotions had deescalated, I started listening and seeking the right help I slowly began reading bits on the condition. I could see the symptoms I was displaying but the harder part was reflecting on my behaviours, causes and impact on others. I was so ashamed of myself at first. Luckily, I was already in therapy so I could manage this with my psychologist.
The emptiness is hard to describe – I had a hole in me, a gap, always black or dark. I would try and fill it with so many things, some good some bad. One of the hardest things was feeling different and like nobody would understand me. Deep down I desperately wanted them to but thinking back now I was terrified that if someone I cared found out they would hate me as much as I hated myself. BPD isn’t a choice it’s a just a response to the overwhelming emotions that we experience and we’ve learnt to defend ourselves from.
“I was just trying to survive, all I knew was to put my head down a go forward”
My main problem was self-harm I would feel completely disconnect from myself and overwhelmed by feelings of worthlessness and anger. This was when my impulsive behaviour kicked in, and I started self-harming, drinking, taking drugs and looking for attention from dubious men. I began limiting myself to 1,000 calories a day and visiting pro-anorexia websites. I told myself that I’d feel calmer and people would like me and the raging hurt would leave me if I just became thin enough. I experience a lot of anxiety, so I felt like if I was going to be frightened anyway for absolutely no reason, I might as well make myself frightened of something that’s real and within my control. This self harm was also present in my relationships. I was either, with someone doing the harm to me or I was the one causing the harm, often cutting off good relationships before they could develop.
I also experience a level of emotional dysregulation, where I end up feeling really empty a lot of the time. I think a big part of it for me is finding it hard to tell the difference between my emotions and other people’s. I notice it even when I’m reading or watching TV, I can end up getting panicky because it’s like I’m feeling what all the different characters are feeling at once and I don’t know which emotions are mine any more. Feeling other people’s emotions and the high level of empathy I have made it so hard when I hurt someone in a breakup or when I took it out on friends. It’s hard to think about those I’ve hurt, I never meant to. It’s common for people with BPD to just look forward – looking back is too painful. It’s been described to me as running but really it never felt like that. I was just trying to survive; all I knew was to put my head down a go forward. One of the real positives over the last year or so is finding out so many people willing to forgive, some aren’t able to, but those people I know I’m better off without. They sometimes have their own difficulties. One of my bad habits is trying to fix people, because I can't fix myself.
“People with BPD aren’t cold and emotionless”
Treatment has been going really well. I still have a hard time forming long-lasting friendships. My emotions are so overwhelming that other people find it hard to understand me. I still favour intense relationships that don’t last very long, and the illness can still feel very isolating.
I’ve begun telling people I have BPD, not everyone, but those who can look out for me. Before I was afraid they’d judge me. There is stigma that surrounds all mental illness but this has improve so much but a “personality disorder” like BPD gets more than its fair share. People with BPD aren’t cold and emotionless or attention seeking and deserving of social isolation, as I was dubbed at university. They are merely trying to manage an illness that’s every bit as real as a physical condition with the tools they have at their disposal.
“I always loved life, I just never loved myself but I’m getting there”
I’d encourage anyone experiencing BPD symptoms get help, even if it helps to clear your mind. No one should have to get to such a breaking point with their mental health that they try to end their life like I did, BPD has a very high rate of death by suicide and it heartbreaking as it is treatable. It’s five years since I was unconscious in intensive care, unable to breathe, with a nurse washing my hair because of all the sweat that had run into it. I owe it to my partner, my sister and myself not to end up back there. I always loved life, I just never loved myself but I’m getting there.
Andrew
Hi I’m Andrew I’m 38 from Islington
I was diagnosed with BPD while in A&E, which is in itself is a damning indictment of the state of mental health services in Britain. I had to reach a crisis point before anyone would take my need for treatment seriously. I tried to end my life four times before Borderline Personality Disorder was even mentioned. I struggled with my mental health very seriously during my undergraduate and master’s degrees, and am only now, at 38, beginning to understand why I experience the world as I do.
I’m usually good at making superficially good impressions on new people. I always show my happy outgoing self but its just hiding the raging battle inside. I fear that once they get to know me, I’ll be rejected. I often feel like my connection with others to so brittle. I feel so distant, like I’m underwater, its not my world. I really don’t want to be alone and I try so hard to read and understand what others might be thinking so I don’t lose them but I struggle. It make me hypervigilant and anxious.
I’m also very bad at resolving arguments, and if I have a disagreement with a friend, I’ll believe that the relationship is already ruined so there’s no point in trying to sort things out. I see even minor arguments as proof that I’m unlikeable and a bad person who doesn’t deserve to have friends.
“I see even minor arguments as proof that I’m unlikeable and a bad person who doesn’t deserve to have friends.”
It’s common for people with BPD to swing between intensely valuing and devaluing others. This means thinking someone is amazing for a while, and then as soon as they disappoint you, believing that they are the worst person in the world. I have to fight every day not to see well-meaning comments as slights or attacks, and to be forgiving and understanding, because it feels like every cancelled appointment or thoughtless remark is done on purpose, because I’m a shitty person who is disliked and doesn’t deserve friends.
I have difficulty forming and maintaining stable relationships, partly because of my urge to behave impulsively, and partly because I have trouble knowing what was really going on in a social situation. After a night in the pub with my girlfriend and her friends, I invariably believe that the experience has been a disaster and everyone hated me, even if my partner swears otherwise. It’s like I’m seeing the world through a warped filter and I can’t trust my own perceptions of situations. I feel like I’m experiencing everything drunk or high, and not in a good way.
I struggled at work, as I had a manager who constantly undermined me. This was a nightmare as it brought up all kinds of insecurities and I started to feel disliked in the office, and as though my work wasn’t good enough. It’s like a siren started going off in my brain. I’d freeze up and shut down, convinced that all my previous paranoid thoughts have been validated, I was useless. Luckily I manged to find a new job with a manager who’s really supportive. It’s amazing how much more acceptance and awareness there is. Sometimes from people you don’t expect.
“I’d freeze up and shut down, convinced that all my previous paranoid thoughts have been validated”
It’s so important to get help and to build what support network you can. BPD is manageable and you can live a good life. Which is easy to say, but tough when your head’s been screaming at you for three hours about "how worthless you are" this is where a kind and understanding support network comes into play. It’s helpful to have at least one person in my life that I trust to tell me the truth about how an evening with friends or a particular interaction has gone. I’ve also realised that I’m much more likely to experience things in a ‘BPD way’ if I’m in a large group of people I don’t know well, because my social anxiety amplifies this.
It’s physically and mentally exhausting trying to stop yourself from doing something silly but you are also very aware what your actions and reactions are doing to all of those around you, which then adds more pressure to a very fragile mind. I decided to became an amateur expert on the condition and was determined it wasn’t going to take over.
“No one who’s going through this should have to suffer silently”
Borderline Personality Disorder is still a very misunderstood illness, and although my experiences with it are both intensely personal and painful, I feel that it’s essential that I keep writing about it. No one who’s going through this should have to suffer silently, believing that they’re alone.
Lyra
Hi I’m Lyra and I’m 22 and I’m at university but live in west London
I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) after I turned 20. I had been very unwell, displaying many of the criteria for BPD for a number of years, but these symptoms were unchecked; ruining and impacting every aspect of my life. I thought I was broken and had something dark in me.
The symptoms I struggled with the most was crippling emotional instability, feeling euphoria to rage then profound depression, all within an hour. These intense emotions meant that I lashed out against family and friends, sabotaged my relationships but also myself through self-injury and reckless behaviour. But like many women who have struggled with serious mental illness, I was initially dismissed, despite my obvious BPD symptoms.
As women, especially women from minority backgrounds, we are ignored and stereotyped at every turn. Our symptoms and pain are dismissed by doctors and GPs as teenage hormones, and as girls being over emotional, dramatic and attention seeking and cultural difference didn’t help as my family weren’t supportive..
“I thought I was broken and had something dark in me.”
After being rejected and dismissed, I had a mixed ‘episode’ of a severe acute stress reaction and transient psychotic episode, which was my first experience of psychosis. In my first year of university, I experienced an altered state of reality with delusions and visual hallucinations, whilst also being a danger to myself due to the overwhelming nature of my emotions. This happened just before my exams and put a serious strain on my revision for them, my general well-being.
“We are simply surviving in a brain that teeters constantly on the edge of self-destruction”
Something that I think all people with BPD would want other people to know and understand is that we aren’t weak or attention seeking, but that we simply experience emotions on a higher, more intense level. And due to trauma and past experiences, the areas of our brain that help regulate these emotions, feelings and thoughts don’t work as well. Which can cause these extreme reactions, emotions and psychotic episodes. We aren’t crazy or dangerous, we are simply surviving in a brain that teeters constantly on the edge of self-destruction. We do normal things but we don't feel normal.
What has really helped me on my path to recovery and has given me purpose is activism. As people with BPD have such high levels of empathy and compassion, activism and helping others allows me to use my intense emotions and empathy to do good rather than debilitate my life.
“people with BPD have such high levels of empathy and compassion”
I focus on gender equality within my local community, especially the ways in which the general public and professionals treat and diagnose women. I focus on raising awareness of disorders like mine, and lesser known symptoms of mental illness, which are still heavily misunderstood and stigmatised.